Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company