The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
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There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*