Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
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One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son