My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
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Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Ha
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.