A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
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“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac