Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
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When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”