My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
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I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
You can’t rush stupid.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
“I FIXED IT!”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go