[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
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[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way