Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
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I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am