I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
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Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”