me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
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if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”