Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
You Might Also Like
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
In Canada they just call them geese
He a real one for that
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I WON A HAM TODAY
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.