“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
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A huge thanks to the person that did this
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Camping tip: No.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip