One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
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Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh