If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
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*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.