I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.