Get in loser we’re going crying
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My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.