walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
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“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair