Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
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25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
nobody’s gonna understand
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth