Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
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Finished stitching this today 😇
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
From my Mom
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.