Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
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Danger is very dangerous
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]