We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
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ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.