Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
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What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.