If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
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When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
A bold strategy
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted