waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
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how was your vacation
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.