Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Wait a minute…
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”