If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
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[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
somewhere, in an alternate universe
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Every haunted house movie: