Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
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I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
wait.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.