please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
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I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined