Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
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Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
never forget
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married