My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
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You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??