‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
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No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”