Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
water it, i dare you
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife: