Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
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Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )