Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
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I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[s茅ance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
“TGIM!” – My liver
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could鈥檝e been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT鈥橲 HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT鈥橲 REALLY HAPPENING
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
don鈥檛 worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you鈥檙e checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy鈥檚.
I was told to be more optimistic so I鈥檝e decided french fries aren鈥檛 bad for me.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He鈥檚 asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn鈥檛 found the bread yet.