At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
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Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap