[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
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I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that