I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Thanks to a fan for this one!
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Go hard or stay average
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.