Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
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There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
how to exercise your calf muscles
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.