I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
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The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Go girl power!
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
this chia pet tastes awful
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?