“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
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You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.