Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
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Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Challenge accepted.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.