banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
You Might Also Like
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
This is the one
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
stand with me against insufficient seating
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
CRYING
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.