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A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot