I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
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I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.