My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
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This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I can’t stop watching this.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.