i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
You Might Also Like
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Did…did a minotaur write this
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”