this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
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Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.