BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
You Might Also Like
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.