[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
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Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).